btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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