Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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