Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I think my moral compass just broke
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
