how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
