I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
