Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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