just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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