Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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