Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
