Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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