he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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