My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
