mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
