I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
