My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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