i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
