Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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