Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I looked at my own cervix.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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