I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
