sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
