apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
