he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
