I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
