I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
