my phone needs a breathalizer
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
