well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
