what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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