Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
