I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
