My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
