His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
