A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
