Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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