If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
