Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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