just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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