My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
