Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
this beer tastes like vomit already
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
