I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
