she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
