you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
