My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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