party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
