That's intense
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
