I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
