Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize
