Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
