Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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