Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
