Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
