Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
