she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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