If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
