Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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