Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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