About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize