2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize