I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
