Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
