Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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