no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I puked a lego.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
