He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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