so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
