Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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