she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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